Trauma Bond: What is it and how do we “fix” it?
Photo by Victor Dueñas Teixeira on Unsplash
By Carmen Zuniga
Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse.
In other words, it is when someone forms a bond with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive. Typically, people who were abused as children usually form trauma bonds because they are accustomed to the cycle of abuse. A trauma bond is when one person forms an attachment to someone that shows them kindness and possibly showers them with gifts and affection. However, soon after the gifts and affection, they emotionally abuse their partner, and a cycle of abuse begins.
What is the cycle of abuse?
The cycle of abuse looks like this: the abuser causes harm; this could be lying, having an affair, verbal abuse, or even physical abuse. After the abuse, the abuser shows remorse and attempts to make up for their behavior. This can be through being romantic or buying flowers and apologizing. They may promise to change, and this gives the abused person hope that the abuse will never happen again, and the abuser’s behavior has changed. Unfortunately, things will remain calm for a short period of time, but soon after the abuser will repeat previous abuse and the cycle will continue.
What are the signs that a trauma bond has occurred?
The major sign is when the abused partner justifies the abuser’s behavior. They make excuses for the abuser and sometimes distance themselves from friends or family that encourage them to leave. Common things said are: “They’re just under a lot of stress right now”, “It’s my fault; I made them react that way”, or “I understand why they had to treat me that way.”
How can the trauma bond be broken?
There are many strategies one can use to leave an abusive relationship. However, if someone has formed a trauma bond, the leaving process will not be easy, and often therapy is needed for extra support.
Keeping a journal can help the abusee keep log of all the times the abuse has occurred. This will help when they are in the hopeful part of the cycle. Keeping a log of events will aide in revealing the cycle of abuse.
Looking at the relationship from a different perspective will also give some insight. For example, what advice would you give a friend who was in the same situation? Would you encourage them to leave or tell them to stay?” The abusee should also obtain a support group. This group can consist of friends, family, and even a therapist. Loved ones can offer an important perspective and insight into the situation.
Avoid negative self-talk, self-blame, and engage in self-care. It is never the abusee’s fault that they were abused, no matter the circumstance. Challenging any negative self-talk that enters the mind is essential as well. Reframing the negative statements to positive self-talk will be empowering, but it will also take practice.
Cut off contact completely if possible. The abuser will insist they are changing but remind yourself of how many times this has already happened. After contact is cut off, professional help may be needed. A therapist can help explore why the trauma bond was formed and what a healthy relationship looks like.
About the Author
Carmen Zuniga is a contributor to Reach Counseling Solutions, PLLC. She is also a counselor educator, wife, mom with experience with working with women who have experienced trauma and abusive relationships.